


I Burn, I Pine, I Perish

by Whale



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, And Fjord Only Encourages Him, Caleb Widogast Has A Bad Idea, Eating Disorders, F/F, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm not sure how else to tag this, Inspired by 10 Things I Hate About You (1999), M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25714486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whale/pseuds/Whale
Summary: Caleb Widogast is new to Zadash University, and he really likes Mollymauk Tealeaf.The only problem? Mollymauk Tealeaf isn't allowed to date anyone unless his very tall, very scary looking sister Yasha also dates someone.Caleb has a plan. It's a very stupid plan. Caleb thinks it's a very stupid plan. Fjord thinks it's a very stupid plan. Beau thinks it's a very stupid plan, but she's willing to give it a shot... for the right price.What could go wrong?This is a purely self-indulgent AU and I’m not even a little bit sorry for it. Am I also in the middle of another Widomauk project? Yes. Should I be double tasking like this? Probably not, but you can’t stop me. You don’t need to have watched 10 Things I Hate About You to read this! It’s a really good movie, though, very cute 10/10.Complete credit for the idea goes to the author ofthiswork, chapter 7!
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 18
Kudos: 59





	1. I Want You to Want Me

Welcome to Zadash University, your typical urban-suburban college in Exandria. Wizards, Clerics, Rogues, Monks. Loners, lovers, and the In-and-Out Crowd rub sleep out of their eyes and head for the main building. You don’t have to look too hard to see Yasha Nydoorin. She is  _ really  _ fucking tall, you know? Black and white hair, bits of it braided, and part of her face has this tattoo. She is just getting out of an incredibly beat up grey Jeep Wrangler (not that she can’t afford something nicer). There’s all these lightning bolts painted across the hood and down the side. The license plate reads “StormLord”. When Yasha gets out of her car, you can see that she is wearing baggy grey sweatpants and balancing a cup of coffee and a backpack as she makes her way towards the main building of the college. She’s actually really pretty, right? If you look past the sweatpants. Or how intimidatingly tall she was. I think I saw a rather large stain on them. Almost like it’s deliberate, how badly she’d dressed. Her posture is slouched, like she’s uncomfortable with her height. 

Someone on a skateboard zooms past Yasha, not paying attention, and clips her. She stumbles a little and spills her coffee… and the entirety of the contents of her backpack. Excellent. She’s muttering several rather unique curses under her breath in Celestial as she bends down to gather her things. She doesn’t even bother with the added stain to her pants. It adds to the whole look she’s going for, honestly. The skateboarder runs over to help, but pales when he sees who he hit. “ _ Shit _ , sorry-” he starts, kneeling down to pick up some of Yasha’s scattered stuff. His hands are visibly shaking and Yasha scoffs.

“Leave it,” Yasha’s voice is flat and unamused. The skateboarder keeps trying to pick up Caleb’s books. He won’t make eye contact with her. “I said  _ leave it! _ ” She sntaches the kid’s skateboard, grabbing him by the scruff of his neck and shoving him against a car. She pushes the end of the skateboard under his chin, against his throat and he whimpers a little bit. Yasha scoffs again and releases him. She spins around and marches into the school, ignoring the crowds as they part for her or the sound of the over-large ornate doors of the main building of Zadash University as they slam behind her. She isn’t proud of her display, but it’s what people expect from her.

So... that was Yasha Nydoorin. Pleasant, isn't she? A great, big ball of sunshine. Would you believe me if I told you she has a secret love of flowers? That she’s actually a giant softie? That she hates that people assume the worst about her because she looks like she can bench press a Buick? No? Well, you’ve only just met her. I don’t blame you. There’s still time. Yasha has got a sibling, of sorts. Let’s meet him, shall we?

Mollymauk Tealeaf is beautiful. He is  _ absolutely gorgeous _ , and he definitely knows it. He likes to think that the shade of lavender his skin is the  _ perfect  _ shade of purple. He’s pierced his curled horns and pointed ears and adorned them with so much silver and gold so that every time he turns his head, he jingles very softly. He would rather be caught dead than wearing stained, grey sweatpants to class. He probably doesn’t even  _ own  _ stained, grey sweatpants. He’s currently in the girls’ room, facing the mirror and applying black lipstick to his upper lip. It’s a rather flawless application. Mollymauk also knows this.

His best friend, Jester Lavorre, who isn’t  _ absolutely gorgeous  _ but instead  _ absolutely adorable _ is standing next to him. She’s fluffing her blue hair and sticking her tongue out at Molly when he isn’t looking at her. She isn’t wearing any makeup at all, and that’s partly because it would hide her  _ absolutely adorable _ freckles and partly because she has  _ absolutely no patience _ to do any of that. 

“Did you change your hair, darling?” Molly cocks an eyebrow at Jester. Jester wrinkles her nose.

“No.”

“You might wanna think about it, love,” Molly winks at Jester through the mirror and she shoves him playfully. They leave the bathroom arm in arm and they are immediately swarmed by people. Molly absolutely preens under all the attention, reaching a perfectly manicured hand out and patting someone’s cheek as he passes. He seems to know everyone’s name and what’s going on in their life. Jester, still linked bodily with Molly, subtly trips someone with her tail and the two snigger to themselves as they walk away.

“I really don’t know how you do all that all the time, really,” Jester tells Molly, rolling her eyes. Molly tweaks Jester’s nose playfully.

“I’m a slut for attention, darling.”

“No, Molly,” Jester says seriously, leaning forward so they’re nose to nose, “you’re actually just a  _ slut,  _ actually.” They’re both quiet for a moment as they stare at each other unblinkingly before they burst into laughter, collapsing against each other.

Well, now. We’ve met two siblings (and one very best friend), and they really aren’t alike _ at all _ are they? Personally, I don’t know how anyone can stand Mollymauk. He seems terribly vain, doesn’t he? There’s probably not much more to him. He probably doesn’t have a deep seated fear of loneliness that forces him to reach out and grab at the wrong kinds of attention while also rejecting any affection from anyone who might actually be good for him and treat him as something other than an object. That would be silly…  _ right _ ?

There’s a few more characters we should meet, though. I think you’ll like the next one. He’s in the guidance counselor’s office. Why don’t we pop over there, and see what he’s up to?

His name is Caleb Widogast. He’s sitting in a blue plastic chair, and he’s trying very hard not to hyperventilate or to fidget. He reaches for a weird amulet at his chest, under his plain blue flannel, clutching it as if it’s a lifeline and counts backwards from fifteen in his head. He’s waiting for the guidance counselor, a man by the name of Shakäste to arrive and give him information on his transfer. Caleb looks… well, he looks tired. He looks worn down, and kind of dirty.  _ Purposefully  _ dirty, though. There’s a smudge on his nose that’s almost meticulous looking though. Weird, right?

The door to the guidance counselor’s office creaks open and Shakäste comes into the room. Shakäste is a very interesting looking man. Caleb is almost positive he’s blind, and the little hummingbird flitting around the man’s curly white hair is his familiar. Caleb feels like it might be a little rude to ask, though. 

Shakäste sits down at his desk in front of Caleb and Caleb lets out a shaky sigh. Shakäste gives Caleb a warm smile, “I’m sure you won’t find Zadash Univeristy much different from the Solstryce Academy,” Shakäste slow drawl couldn’t sooth the icy sliver of fear shooting through Caleb that the name of his old school had caused. He did his best not to visibly react. “Same little asswipe motherfuckers everywhere.” Shakäste’s face never loses its pleasant smile and his tone never changes from its deep and calming drone. It’s enough to startle a nervous laugh out of Caleb, who immediately tries to cover it up with a cough and fidgets uncomfortably in his little plastic seat. Shakäste smiles. “Any questions?” Caleb shakes his head mutely. “Then go forth. I’ve got deviants to see, baby.”

As Caleb is getting up to leave, he sees a taller (not as tall as Yasha, mind you) tan girl with an undercut leaning against the door jamb. She’s got this lithe frame that’s rippling with muscle underneath it and Caleb isn’t really sure if there’s a dress code here or not, but if there  _ is  _ then the sports bra and leggings she’s wearing probably won’t cut it. She lifts one eyebrow at Caleb and smirks. Her eyebrow has one slit in it, which means she’s either very cool or is into girls. Maybe both. Probably both. Caleb’s reasonably intimidated and gives her a wide berth as he makes his way towards the exit of Shakäste’s office.

Shakäste pulls out a parchment file and sighs deeply. “Beauregard Lionett, our weekly little meetings are starting to become too much of a habit, baby.” 

“I missed you.”

“It says here you were brawling in the cafeteria again.”

“It was a friendly match! How was I supposed to know they were  _ weepers _ ?”

“A friendly match… in the campus cafeteria... involving half the football team?”

“ _ Weepers _ ,” Beau hisses again, rolling her eyes. 

Shakäste pinches the bridge of his nose. He takes a deep, cleansing breath that only Beauregard Lionett makes him take. He motions for her to come and sit in front of him. Beau shrugs, unaffected, and moves to do so as Caleb leaves the office and runs face-first into a very handsome half-orc. Caleb has to crane his neck to look up at him, opening his mouth to stutter out an apology. The half orc gives Caleb a kind smile, and says in a low southern drawl, “You the new kid?” Caleb huffs out a dry laugh.

“Uh,  _ ja _ , so they keep telling me.” The half orc holds out a hand.

“Fjord.” Caleb shakes his hand, trying not to think about his sweaty palm. Fjord is very handsome. Tall, broad shouldered and he carries himself in a confident way that Caleb is sure he’ll never achieve. 

“Let’s go, I’m supposed to give you the tour,” Fjord waits until Caleb gestures for him to start walking before he turns around, “So… which Zemni Field are you from?”

“Uhh- that’s not-”

The half orc chuckles, “I know. I was kidding. But do people actually live in Blumenthal?” Caleb laughs, a little strained. 

“ _ Ja _ . A couple. We are outnumbered by the flower population, though.” Fjord snorts.

“How many people were in your old school?” Caleb knows that he’s talking about the small college at Blumenthal, not the Academy he had been at previously. Caleb barely refrains from stumbling over nothing, and schools his face into something resembling nonchalance.

“ _ Zweiunddreißig _ , ah, thirty-two.” The half-orc laughs louder, nudging Caleb with his shoulder.

“No fuckin’ way.”

“Uh…  _ ja _ . Way. How many people go here?”

“Dunno, couple thousand? Most of ‘em evil.” Caleb makes a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat. Given his past experience, he highly doubts that but lets it slide. He knows the man was just over-exaggerating. Caleb’s eyes trail over the walls, taking in sign up flyers for all sorts of various collegiate activities and something called the “Hour of Honor” dance. Fjord maneuvers through crowds of people easily and Caleb has to pick up speed to keep up. Fjord points a green finger at a cluster of very athletic looking people wearing blue jackets.

“We’ve got your standard monks. Unless they talk to you first, don’t bother.” Caleb snorts his amusement quietly. He really was not planning on it. Fjord continues down the campus, passing a cluster of Firbolgs, all with pink hair and soft grey fur. One of them was wearing a big straw hat covered in flowers and some strange kind of lichen on it. He lifts one large hand in greeting and the tips of Fjord’s ears turn a coppery color. Fjord coughs into his fist uncomfortably, “That’s the Clay family. They’re… weird.”

“Weird I am used to.” Fjord laughs and shakes his head.

“Not weird like Caduceus, you’re not,” Fjord says and Caleb isn’t sure how to respond to that, so he doesn’t say anything. They pass by a little coffee stand, one of those crappy fake Starbucks things that won’t accept your gift cards but will end up sucking you dry by the end of the semester. There’s a couple people huddled around it. One little goblin girl is visibly shaking and she’s holding a cup that looks bigger than she is. She turns over-large yellow eyes on Caleb and Fjord, pupils the size of tea saucers. She grins at them, baring a mouthful of tiny razor teeth. Fjord sighs, “To the right we have the Coffee Kids. Very Edgy. Don’t make any sudden movements around them. Especially Nott, because I’m pretty sure she’s armed. Also, check your pockets whenever she walks by. Sticky fingers, if you know what I mean.” Caleb smirks a little at the ground as they continue past. Caleb does know what Fjord means.

Fjord takes Caleb through a side door of the main campus building and across the manicured lawn. He points out more groups of people as he continues along. “These are your classic Clerics. Big Jesus fans and the like.” Caleb raises an eyebrow at Fjord.

“Aren’t you a… paladin?” Fjord winces a little.

“Ah… no. Warlock, actually.” Caleb hums in acknowledgment and they continue walking. 

Fjord shows Caleb where the dorms are, and they don’t look too terrible. The air conditioning is shoddy at best, but Caleb’s pretty sure he could manage to find a spell or two in the library that would work once the summer came through in full swing. The library Caleb makes immediate note to come back later. He can’t afford to get lost in it too much, and it doesn’t seem to interest Fjord nearly as much as Caleb. 

He reluctantly walks away. He’s turning around to walk out back out the library door when a flash of lavender catches his eye. He distantly hears Fjord saying his name, but it sounds like he’s speaking underwater. Caleb is completely enraptured by a purple tiefling walking by. He’s wearing the most ostentatious out Caleb’s ever seen, a brightly colored coat trailing behind him. He turns his head to laugh at something a little blue tiefling girl next to him says and it’s like the world around Caleb goes into slow motion. He has these pupiless scarlet eyes that feel bottomless. He’s got more gold and silver jewelry adorning his horns and delicately pointed ears than Caleb’s ever seen in his life. Caleb is also pretty sure that he’s catching flies, his jaw is open so wide.

“That tiefling… I-” Caleb tugs on the sleeve of Fjords hoodie, causing the man to chuckle.

“You burn? You pine? You perish?” Caleb flushes at Fjord’s words.

“Who are they?”

“He’s Mollymauk Tealeaf. Senior. Don’t even think about it.” Caleb’s face twisted a little. Mollymauk Tealeaf. Caleb didn’t even stand a chance in any hell with him, but he couldn’t help  _ but  _ think about it. He couldn’t help but think about it a lot. 

“Why not?”

“I’d start with a haircut. Maybe wash your face? You’ve got a little but of mud right- no, not there. Yeah, there. Yeah, you got. Also, he’s not allowed to date until his sister does,” Fjord laughs until he realizes Caleb wouldn’t get the joke and hasn’t joined in, “It’s an impossibility,” Fjord elaborates, entirely unhelpfully. 


	2. F.N.T.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello! If you're reading this, you're beautiful and I love you. 
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: eating disorders.

Yasha is completely zoning out in her English Comp. 2 class. She’s got her notebook open but she’s just doodling little flowers all over the edges of the pages. She doesn’t need to look up to know that everyone else around her is doing the same thing. That’s the thing with college, isn’t it? You have to cram in all sorts of classes you don’t really care about once you get towards the end of your university career. And you _still_ have to pay out the ass for all those courses you couldn’t give less of a shit about!

The professor is a little Kobold, Dr. Spurt, who looks like he’s one espresso away from blasting off into space. He’s bouncing in place on top of his desk where he’s standing, trying desperately to remember what he was saying thirty seconds ago. He either has ADD or is hopped up on so much caffeine that his very small heart is going to burst and the staff healers will have to levitate him out on a stretcher. Can you imagine the amount of workers comp paperwork? An absolute nightmare. 

“Uhh… Right! So that was… Old Man and the Sea! Uhh… and our analysis of it! Does anyone have any questions?” Dr. Spurt does a couple little jerky head motions that could be interpreted as looking around the room. He could also just be trying to work out a neck cramp.

Yasha slowly puts down her pen and huffs out a very quiet frustrated breath.

“Why didn’t we, I don’t know, just read the Hardy Boys?” Dr. Spurt blinks several times at that. It’s rather strange looking, considering he’s reptilian in nature and doesn’t really have eyelids. It’s more of a rapid-fire squinting. A whole facial spasm type of deal. He’s either twitching like this because Yasha rarely speaks out in class, or maybe because he is trying to dislodge something from his eyes. It’s really hard to tell with Dr. Spurt. 

“I’m sorry?” Dr. Spurt tilts his head to the side jerkily. Yasha sighs and pushes her notebook away from herself- not that she was really taking in-depth notes in the first place.

“It’s just a book about a man and how he goes fishing. It doesn’t really seem like… crucial course material.” Yasha shrugs. Some of the other students next to Yasha roll their eyes. 

“I guess I just don’t understand the reverence of Hemmingway. Wasn’t he just an abusive, alcoholic misogynist who also had a lot of cats? I mean… not that there’s anything wrong with the cat thing. I quite like cats.” Yasha trails off a little at the end, seeming to get distracted by the thought of felines. It’s a much more tempting topic to think about than misogynistic alcoholic authors.

A few seats behind Yasha, another student named Lorenzo rolls his eyes and snorts derisively. He’s this big, bald headed giant in human form. Every pore oozes confidence and restraint, like the rushing water behind a dam. He’s got this predatory shark-like grin that he hides behind thin lips and smirks. He seems like an asshole, but maybe he’s actually a good guy deep down?

“Better to learn about Hemmingway than learning about a bitter, self-righteous old hag who has no friends,” Lorenzo leans back in his chair and drapes his arm over the back of it casually. His face splits into a self-satisfied grin as a few of his friends around him laugh, even as he’s admonished by Dr. Spurt. Yasha completely ignores Lorenzo. It appears to be a very practiced gesture on her part. 

Okay, so maybe his still waters don’t actually run very deep. Maybe his still waters have the depth of a teaspoon. A teaspoon in the shape of an asshole.

Yasha continues, undeterred. She still seems confused, and she has the subtlety of a frying pan lovingly applied to the back of the head. With brute force. “Is it because Hemmingway is an asshole and male? Is that why the school board thinks he’s worthy to be on the curriculum?” Dr. Spurt seems very uncomfortable facing this line of critical thinking and has started fidgeting with a jar of green slime he has on his desk. He is definitely not supposed to have that green slime. It looks incredibly dangerous. Yasha doesn’t really seem to notice this at all.

“What about Colette? Her writing is very nice. Charlotte Bronte, as well. I’m not the biggest fan of Simon de Beauvoir but I think that is more… personal preference than a judgement on skill as an author. I’m sure her work must be very good to some people.”

Beau is lounging in her seat in the back corner of the room. She had previously been blissfully bored out of her mind, until Yasha had decided to speak up. Yasha almost never spoke in class. Beau had always assumed the girl was going for the “I am very large, silent, and intimidating” look- and class participation would sort of ruin that. Beau isn’t upset that Yasha decided today was the day to break her vow of silence, though. She was making some remarkably strong arguments that were phrased in an adorably confused way. Also, it looks like Dr. Spurt was going to pass out and Beau really, really wants to see that happen. However, Beau cannot resist nudging her friend Nott and asking her in a stage whisper, “What about Mother Goose?” 

Beau is rewarded by laughter from most of the class and a dark glower from Yasha. It is very intimidating, but Beau just winks at the girl before drifting back off into not paying attention to the rest of the class proceedings. 

Later in the day, Yasha is attempting to fold herself into the little blue plastic chairs in Shakäste’s office. He ambles in and tuts at her in a sort of “disapproving father” type of way. Yasha’s face is stony.

“Yasha Nydoorin. Baby, why are you terrorizing Dr. Spurt again? You know how fragile he is.” 

Yasha makes a frustrated noise in the back of her throat. “I was asking questions. I do not see that as a terrorist action.”

Shakäste chuckles, “Now that’s true, compared to your other modes of self-expression this semester. I notice you never stopped by to ask how Obann’s gonad retrieval operation went. Quite smoothly, as I was notified, in case you’re interested.”

Yasha’s upper lip curls, “I still say that he kicked himself in the balls. I was just a spectator.”

Shakäste sighs, deeply, and briefly considers if he missed his calling as a wandering cleric and healer instead of guidance counselor to sarcastic little shits. “The problem, Yasha, is that people see you as somewhat…” Shakäste trails off, unsure how to break the news gently to the tall girl. Yasha smirks in amusement and dares Shakäste to say what they both know he’s thinking without using her words. He doesn’t.

“Tempestuous?” Yasha supplements.

“No, baby, I believe the word being thrown around is ‘heinous bitch’,” Shakäste deadpans, and Yasha laughs. She moves to stand up from the blue plastic chair that is much too small for her. “You might want to work on that, baby.” Yasha mirrors Shakäste’s very fake smile, both of them knowing she will do absolutely no such thing.

“Thank you for your advice, Shakäste.”

So! That’s why Fjord said it was an impossibility to get Yasha Nydoorin to date. I mean… he wasn’t really that far off, was he? She’s a tall, brutally intimidating girl _and_ she has opinions? How terrifying. Caleb might as well give up his thoughts of Mollymauk now. Speaking of Mollymauk, why don’t we check in on him? He’s actually in English right now, too. He’s _definitely_ paying attention- he really gave off that studious vibe when we met him earlier.

Right?

Molly is sitting in the middle of the classroom, sideways in his seat so his legs are draped casually over that annoying armrest thing some lecture halls have and his back is propped up against the other armrest. He has his notebook open on his lap, but he isn’t taking notes. He’s doodling and writing a note to Jester, who is sitting directly behind him so she can see how many pencils she can shove into his hair and between the curls of his horns without him noticing. 

Molly finishes his note with a little flourish and folds it up into a paper airplane and wings it behind his shoulder with a little hair flip. It reads: “Lorenzo stopped me in the hall to ‘ _say hi_ ’”. Molly finished it off with several obscene winking faces and once eggplant drawing. Molly is many, _many_ things- but he has never been subtle a day in his life. Well, that he can remember, at least. Jester opens the note, reads it, and frowns a little. She does giggle at the eggplant, though, and tears it out to stick in her journal later.

Their English professor is droning a little. He’s lecturing about Shakespeare, but it’s very monotone and neither Molly nor Jester can find it in them to care enough to pay attention. When Molly is called out and asked if he wants to share his thoughts on the reading, he gives the professor his most syruppy grin and says, “No.” The professor lets out a long sigh through his nose in a practiced sort of way, like this happens with Mollymauk Tealeaf a lot, and the professor is neither surprised nor disappointed that it happened again this time. 

Caduceus Clay, who is sitting next to the window and staring out of it, is chasing a bug around on his desk with his pen. He looks up, pushing his very large straw hat back, and raises one large hand into the air. The professor looks over at him in surprise.

“Oh! Mr. Clay. Because you’re assisting us, you may as well comment. I’m assuming you’ve read the assignment…?” Caduceus nods his head solemnly. 

“Uh… yeah. I read it all.” The professor blinks hard, once. 

“The… whole play? You read the whole play?”

“Uh… yep. Well… all the plays. They’re nice.” The professor gives a little jerk of his head, like Caduceus slapped him even though they’re across the room from each other. His eyebrows travel up towards his receding hairline in a disbelieving manner.

“You’ve read every play by William Shakespeare?” Caduceus just nods his head before he goes back to chasing the bug on his desk with his pen again. The professor, having decided that he really didn’t want to unpack any of that in front of a lecture hall of other students, turns back to the whiteboard and continues his lesson. 

Yasha and Caduceus meet on the lawn in front of the cafeteria building on campus for lunch later in the day. I told you they were best friends, right? I definitely mentioned that, didn’t I? I’m almost positive I did.

Caduceus made lunches for both Yasha and himself. He had been doing this for years, insisting that the campus food tasted terrible. Yasha was inclined to agree and after reaffirming that her friend just really liked cooking, and that he was really good at it, she let him make her lunch every day. Today was some sort of mushroom and spinach salad with strawberries. Caduceus was picking idly at his food, like he always did, and Yasha frowned over at him a little.

“Your brother really does not care about school at all, does he? More specifically Shakespeare. It’s very without,” Caduceus says breezily.

Yasha wrinkles her nose at Caduceus and leans over to nudge him on his bony shoulder, “I think the fact that you are purposefully missing your athletics class so you can T.A. another English class _just_ to have an excuse to imbibe more of his literature is also… without.” Yasha looks up from her salad just as Beau walks by. She and Nott are trying to trip each other as they walk across the green lawn, and Beau catches Yasha out of the corner of her eye. She smirks a tiny bit and winks at Yasha, shoving her hands into the pockets of her grey jacket. The way Yasha’s eyes track the girl is not lost on Caduceus.

“Who’s that?”

Yasha drags her eyes away from Beau and back to her friend. She isn’t sure she likes how _knowing_ Caduceus’s smile is. “Beauregard Lionett. She is an asshole.”

“So… your type, then?”

“How’s Fjord, again?” Caduceus turns pink and his ears flap a little in that way they do when he’s embarrassed. Yasha laughs softly.

“Wait… _Beau_ Lionett…? Wasn’t she gone for a year? I heard she was training to be an assassin, or something.” 

Yasha rolls her mismatched eyes, “I do not think she would be doing something so… interesting as that, Caduceus.”

Caduceus looks off into the distance, contemplative. A couple little beetles are marching across his right knee. He looks down and smiles at them. “She does always seem so…”

“Violently angry?” Caduceus looks up at Yasha’s smiling face when she says this and laughs. Yasha gives Cad a once over, and pushes his salad closer to him. “Caduceus, you need to eat. I’ve seen rats with more meat on their bones,” she gently admonishes. Caduceus wrinkles his nose but relents, taking an exaggerated bite of his salad for Yasha’s benefit. “I know that the individuals of this fine institution are so severely lacking, but starving yourself to death is a very slow way to die.”

Caduceus looks up at the trees surrounding the manicured lawn they’re sitting on, a mysterious little smile on his face. “It _is_ a slow way to die, isn’t it? I never thought about that before.” Yasha rolls her eyes and smiles at Caduceus’s ridiculous personality.

“I believe your obsession with Shakespeare is passing beyond the scope of a normal obsession. This is becoming less daytime talk show fodder and more… expensive therapy.” 

“I think everyone should be allowed their obsessions, Yasha. Is mine really hurting anyone?” Yasha huffs.

“It is hurting _you_ , when you don’t eat,” Yasha reaches out and pokes Caduceus in his stomach, “but say that you do it. You die and you end up with the Wildmother and somehow Shakespeare is also there. What then? Do you think Shakespeare would fuck a half starved firbolg who’s actually in love with F-”

“Hey look, there’s Molly!” Caduceus cuts in desperately, lifting a hand to point across the lawn. It is really very hard to miss Mollymauk as he walks across campus. He struts more than walks, as if he owns everything before him. It’s a rather endearing sort of cocky, though. He’s walking arm in arm with Jester, surrounded by a few of his adoring fans from earlier. They walk by Lorenzo and his other like-minded friends, smirking and giggling. I mentioned before how subtle Mollymauk Tealeaf is, right? Or, more specifically, his blatant lack of subtlety. 

One of Lorenzo’s friends, a half-elf named Ruzza, nudges Lorenzo and nods her head at Molly, “He’s kind of hot, isn’t he?” Lorenzo grins predatorily. His face morphs into a much more palatable smile as Molly passes closer by. He winks at Molly, who grins lasciviously back.

“Lookin’ look, tieflings,” Lorenzo calls out and Molly preens and smiles coyly back. 

As they pass out of earshot, Jester sticks her tongue out and mutters, “I honestly don’t know what you see in him honestly. He’s, like, super creepy.”

“It’s his penis, Jessie.”

Yasha and Caduceus are still watching this interaction take place. Caduceus frowns a little. “That’s probably not good, right?” Yasha doesn’t respond.

It’s a funny coincidence (no it’s not) that Fjord and Caleb are also watching this entire interaction take place. Caleb can’t seem to tear his eyes away from the colorful tiefling and Fjord is staring at Caduceus while pretending he’s not. Both men look equally despairing and frustrated. Caleb tugs on his scarf, making a small noise in the back of his throat to indicate disgust as he watches Lorenzo shove one of his friends around.

“Is Mollymauk _actually_ interested in a person like Lorenzo? I mean… I do not see the appeal.”

“I think Molly is more into Lorenzo’s dick than his brain, friend. He is an unrepentant flirt and slut, it’s part of his charm.” Caleb blushes a little at Fjord’s blunt statement. His eyes track back over Lorenzo and his upper lip curls a little.

“Does he… always have that shit eating grin?” Fjord huffs out a laugh.

“Lorenzo was born with a perma-shit-grin. He isn’t stupid, either, just a genuine asshole. He’s also a model or something, too, I think. I believe his upcoming tube sock ad might be kindling to Molly’s interest.” Caleb hums an acknowledgement.

It’s time for them to go to their next class, so they stand up from the bench they’re sitting on and throw the remnants of their lunch away. Molly and Jester are walking towards the arts building, and Caleb cranes his neck a little to get a better look at them. Caleb is sure that Molly would never turn and look in his direction, but Molly is the brightest flame Caleb has ever seen and Caleb feels like a moth drawn to him. He knows what happens in the end, too, with moths and flame. Caleb still wonders what that fire would taste like.

Fjord jolts a little, as an idea strikes him. He slaps Caleb’s shoulder with the back of his hand. “You know Zemnian, yes?” Caleb stares at Fjord hard, trying to work out if the half orc is fucking with him or not.

“ _Nein_ , I am faking the accent,” Caleb responds dryly.

“Excellent, then you just signed up to be a tutor.”

Caleb stops short, social anxiety grabbing his throat and not letting go. “ _Wie bitte?_ ”

“Dude… _what_?” Fjord looks at Caleb as if he’s grown a second head.

Caleb lifts one ginger eyebrow, “Yes, that is essentially what I said- what?” Fjord nudges Caleb with his shoulder, still rather proud of his idea.

“You’d get a chance to actually talk to him- he’s fucking _shit_ at it and needs another language course to graduate. And you know what happens after talking, right?” Caleb looks at Fjord’s face, which is nearly split in two with glee.

“ _Nein_ , but I am genuinely afraid you’re going to tell me.”

Fjord claps Caleb on the shoulder, causing him to stumble slightly, “Consecrating, friend. Consecrating.” Caleb watches Molly disappear into the arts building with his friend, and nearly stumbles again at the prospect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! If you're reading this, you're beautiful and I love you. 
> 
> I'm not sure if all of the M9 (specifically Caleb or Caduceus) are entirely in character or not, but it's a weird line I'm trying to tiptoe between original source material and everyone's wonderful personalities. Alas, it is what it is! Again, this story is purely self-indulgent so take it with a grain of salt, I suppose. 
> 
> Please, do not forget to love yourself.


	3. I Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello! If you're reading this, you're beautiful and I love you.
> 
> I am currently sick right now, so updates are going to be sporadic. I’m very sorry, but hopefully as soon as I learn to pick locks, I can break out of this hospital room. The food here is terrible and I just want Olive Garden.

I’m pretty sure that we can skip to the end of the day, can’t we? I’ll just give you a brief overview of what happened during classes: Mollymauk absolutely does not pay attention to the rest of his classes, Caleb absolutely does pay attention, and Fjord and Caduceus have botany together. It’s very cute watching them hide behind pothos plants and try not to blush at each other.

If you’re wondering where Yasha is (and I’m sure you are) she and Caduceus are walking towards the StormLord and discussing their days. Lorenzo pulls up in his Viper, because of course he has a Viper. He gives Yasha a once over and sneers, “The leather look is over, Yasha- haven’t you been reading your women idols?”

Yasha gives Lorenzo a very unimpressed look. “I saw your big KMart ad the other day. It is very sad that the only thing they featured was your elbow. It’s a… what is it called, Caduceus?”

“A touch break, Yasha.”

“Oh, right. A tough break, Lorenzo.” 

Lorenzo looks like he is practically spitting in Yasha’s smiling face. “They’re going to run the rest of me next month,” he hisses as he peels away from them. Yasha continues towards the StormLord, unaffected. Caduceus ties a large silk scarf around his floppy straw hat and sits in the passenger seat.

“He is… not very nice,” Caduceus observes and Yasha laughs. 

“I have discovered that most people here are not very nice, Cad.” 

Yasha and Caduceus watch Lorenzo’s Viper slow as he passes by Mollymauk and Jester. A crease appears between Yasha’s eyebrows. Lorenzo leans towards Molly and grins greasily, “Need a ride, beautiful?” Molly gives Lorenzo a syrupy smile and cannot get in fast enough. Jester is slower to follow, but seems reluctant to leave Molly alone with the giant. Caduceus pushes the brim of his floppy hat back to watch the scene in front of him better, a small from playing at the edges of his mouth.

“This is a troubling development,” he comments. Yasha doesn’t say anything and instead, she leans over and removes a cassette tape from the glove box and inserts it into the radio. Loud punk rock music fills the car as she pulls away to drop Caduceus off at home. 

Fjord is crossing the parking lot as Yasha peels out of her spot, and she almost hits him. She slams on the break and lays on her horn. Caduceus jolts forward in his seat, one hand on top of his hat and the other on the dashboard. Yasha leans out the window and yells at the half-ord, “Watch where you’re walking, please!” It comes out a lot more intimidating than she probably meant it. The background music doesn’t help. Fjord lifts his hands in a placating gesture and takes a couple steps backward. Yasha drives away and Caduceus swivels his head to watch Fjord disappear behind them.

Caleb approaches Fjord worriedly. “Are you alright, mein Fruend?”

Fjord sighs and rubs the back of his head ruefully, “Yeah, just a minor encounter with the barbarian herself.”

Caleb looks in the direction of where Yasha and her large car have disappeared in disbelief. “That is her? That is Mollymauk’s sister?”

“The large, opposing figure herself,” Fjord says with a wave and smile as he leaves.

Caleb is left alone in the parking lot of Zadash University, looking very thoughtful. He’s definitely not hatching a terrible plan, right?

Right?

Well… that’s a thought for another time, at least. Why don’t we look into the Tealeaf-Nydoorin household? It’s… well. It’s a circus, to say the least. 

Desmond Moondrop, a bald man in his late 30’s, was sitting at his computer and sketching quickly. His is surrounded by several printed rough sketches of posters for The Fletching and Moondrop Traveling Carnival of Curiosities. The left side of his face is severely scarred, as if it had been shredded at one point in his youth, and he has a sad and melancholy air about him. Yasha comes home and stands behind him, resting her hands on the older man’s shoulders and watches him work. Yasha tilts her head this way and that before leaning down and murmuring out loud, “I think maybe it should be brighter.” Desmond sighs heavily.

Gustav Fletching, a lanky half-elven man, enters through the front door of the household. He looks very harried as he asks, “Yasha, are you bothering Desmond again?” Molly tosses a grin at Gustav over his shoulder.

“Well, the twins are still at school and if I tried to bother Orna, she would hit me so… yes. Yes, I am bothering Desmond again. He does not mind.”

“Yes, he does,” Desmond pipes up quietly, still bent over his tablet. Gustav rolls his eyes.

“Dinner?” 

“In the microwave,” Yasha and Desmond respond at the same time. Yasha laughs and moves to sit in the window seatette. She looks up at Gustav.

“Make anyone cry today,” Gustav asks idly as he flips through the mail. Yasha thinks for a moment before shaking her head.

“It is only four, though. There is probably still time.”

Mollymauk walks in as Yasha says this and Gustav looks up at him suspiciously. “And where have you been?” 

Molly eyes Gustav warily before flashing him a winning smile, “Nowhere… Hi, Gustav.” He flounces over and presses a kiss to the older man’s cheek. Gustav rolls his eyes and pats Molly on the face fondly (and a bit exasperatedly). 

“Hello, precious,” Molly chooses to ignore the sarcasm in Gustav’s voice and preens instead. Yasha snorts. Gustav, still going through the mail, holds up an envelope addressed to Yasha.

“What’s this? It says Mighty Nein?” Yasha’s face freezes. She reaches out and snatches the letter away from Gustav and rips it open. Her eyes scan the page and several emotions flash across her face. Surprise. Joy. Disappointment.

“Oh,” Yasha says, “It looks like I got in.” 

Desmond looks up from his computer and smiles at Yasha, “Congratulations, Yasha, I knew you’d get in.” Gustav puffs up further at this.

“You knew about this? You knew she applied to be in some adventurer’s guild? Galatavinting off and getting herself killed? This could take you off to the other side of the country, Yasha.” Gustav is scowling between Desmond and Yasha.

Yasha shrugs casually, “I know.”

Gustav crosses his arms across his chest, “I thought we had decided you were going to stay here, in Zadash. With the circus.” 

Yasha puffs out her cheeks, frustrated, “You had decided that, Gustav.”

Mollymauk is lounging across Desmond’s work desk, tail swishing lazily back and forth as he watches the exchange between Gustav and Yasha. There’s a little frown on his handsome face. “Is there really a question of whether or not we want to stay?”

Yasha’s eyes flicker over to Molly and then back to Gustav.

“Gustav, do you know who dove Molly home today?”

Molly sits straight up, tail rigid behind him. Desmond sighs heavily. “Must we do this now? On top of my desk, no less?”

Gustav looks visibly upset as he asks Molly, “Who drove you home?”

Molly simpers and stands up from Desmond’s desk, much to the man’s relief, and minces over to Gustav. He grabs Gustav’s hand and looks up at Gustav with large scarlet eyes, pleading. He sticks his tongue out at Yasha quickly over his shoulder before turning back to Gustav. “Now, Gustav… please don’t be upset, but there’s this guy… and I think he might ask…” Gustav immediately pulls away from Molly and crosses his arms over his chest.

“No! Absolutely not, Mollymauk Tealeaf. You know you cannot date until your sister does.” Molly turns away from Gustav and throws his hands up in the air dramatically.

“What if Yasha never starts dating?” Yasha gives Molly a tiny smirk and Molly winks at Yasha. They both know how much Molly loves to perform for anyone who will watch him, and Gustav is very easy to wind up. Gustav does not disappoint, as he turns a little red in the face and spins away from Molly.

“Then you’ll never date! And I’ll get some damn sleep at night. You, Mollymauk Tealeaf, are trouble in lavender skin.” 

Molly clings to Gustav’s arm and pouts at Yasha, “That’s not fair! She’s a mutant.” Gustav isn’t looking at Molly, so the tiefling winks at Yasha. Yasha rolls her eyes at Molly. 

“This is coming from the person who has devoted his diary to horn grooming tips?”

Molly gasps at Yasha, scandalized, “You read my diary? You barbarian!” He launches himself at Yasha, failing his limbs in a poor attempt at a grapple.

Yasha bats him around a little, until they both dissolve into giggles. Molly leans down and kisses Yasha on the forehead. Gustav, desperately wishing he had liquor, walks away towards the kitchen and his dinner. He tosses over his shoulder, “I am serious, Mollymauk- you cannot date until Yasha does.”

Molly looks at Yasha, who suddenly looks sad. “But she doesn’t want to date,” he murmurs. He tucks a stray hair behind her ear. 

“Exactly my point,” Gustav’s voice filters from the kitchen. 

Yasha leans down and rubs her nose with Molly’s, “And you’re telling me that you’re interested in Lorenzo for the romance he can offer you?”

Molly laughs. 

Mollymauk and Yasha obviously pretend to butt heads a lot, but what pair of siblings don’t? There’s clearly a lot of love there. We’ll probably explore it more later. For now, why don’t we skip ahead to Caleb and Mollymauk actually meeting for the first time? I’m sure it’ll go swimmingly, and nothing will go wrong at all. Mollymauk is absolutely going to be enamoured with Caleb at first glance, and Caleb is a natural Cassanova, right?

Right?

The tutoring room at Zadash University was rather small. Caleb is sitting with an empty chair next to him and he’s wiping his sweaty palms on his worn jeans. He’s glancing at the clock on his old flip phone every couple of minutes, even though he doesn’t need to. Caleb has a perfect sense of time. Mollymauk arrives ten minutes late in a flurry of purple curls and colorful clothing. Caleb is immediately tongue tied.

Molly plops himself down in the seat next to Caleb and gives him a wide smile, “Could we perhaps hurry this along, darling? Pike Trickfoot and Scanlan Shorthalt are having their second horrendous breakup on the quad and I would absolutely love to be there for all the messy bits.” Caleb blinks twice at Molly. 

“Ah, I think we could start with… pronunciation, if that is alright with you, Mister Mollymauk.” Molly rolls his head back dramatically, mostly to hide the little shive that works its way up his spine at Caleb’s accent and formal tone. 

“Not the hissing and spitting and gagging part, please Mister Caleb,” Molly turns pleading scarlet eyes onto Caleb, who flushes bright red.

“Ah, well… How about Zemnian cuisine? Saturday? … Night?” Molly’s face slowly breaks out into a predatory grin at Caleb’s halting question. 

“You’re asking me out. That is adorable, Mister Caleb.”

Caleb turns an even brighter shade of red, “Forget it, Scheiße, nevermind-”

Molly puts a manicured hand on Caleb’s shoulder, who jolts under the touch, “No no, it’s just that… I am at the whim and mercy of a particularly stubborn breed of barbarian- my sister. I can’t date until she does, Mister Caleb.” 

Caleb cocks his head to the side, contemplative, “She looks as if she could easily get a date…”

Molly shrugs and fingers a lock of his hair. Caleb watches him do so, rather mesmerized. “Yasha is… antisocial.”

“Why?”

Molly shrugs again, but this time he won’t meet Caleb’s eyes as he says, “That’s a bit of an unsolved mystery, darling. She didn’t used to be quite so antisocial in high school, but then…” Molly makes a helpless gesture with his hands, “She seemed to just get sick of it all, I guess.”

Caleb hums an acknowledgement, “That is a shame, Mister Mollymauk.”

Molly looks at Caleb from underneath very long eyelashes and reaches out to play with the wizard’s scarf, “If only we could get her a date…” Caleb blushes again.

“I will- I will see what I can do, Mister Mollymauk.”

Molly beams at Caleb. Caleb has no idea how stupid he is. 

It’s always the smart ones, isn’t it?

**Author's Note:**

> I would super love feedback, if you have any! Even if it’s just pointing out my spelling errors. I am but three goblins stacked in a trenchcoat and only one of us is actually literate. Also it’s stuffy in here, maybe if you have a portable fan?


End file.
